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Thursday, December 22, 2011

She was 'still...born...'

The loss of the Duggar's has left me absolutely .... speechless and heartbroken. Reading the comments that other people have wrote in relation to the Duggar's have left me shocked  SICKENED. Knowing that people have posed such hatred towards a baby brings great pain to my heart. I don't understand why people are so angry, is because the fact that they have faith, they have embraced the loss of a child in a tasteful and poised manner, or it is because they are in the public eye.

Yes, they are 'famous for a reality show.'
Yes, they have 21 blessed children (19 on Earth 2 in Heaven)

But do any of these things make them less of people? They have NEVER showed themselves anything but tasteful and religious. They have NEVER been shown in the spotlight doing drugs, partying all night, hurting their children or anything degrading to life in their show like other stars have been shown doing (i.e. Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan or the countless celebs that we MAKE famous).

The Duggar's have raised their children with the faith of God, morals and respect. So what if they have 21 children. I know some people who have 2 child and shouldn't even have that!

I have seen some hateful comments stating that, its God's will to take the child, that she's to old, she has enough kids, she should focus on the kids she has being in the NICU with her previous child took to much time away from the rest of them.
Well... where to begin... The Duggar's do not receive financial aid from ANY OF US or the government, why should we have a say so in what they do with their money, if you are saying it is God's will to take the child please read this article HERE. Yes she is 45 and age does increase possibility of complications but remember it was 'God's Will' that got her pregnant. And for her being in the NICU taking away from her other children..... So you are telling me that if one of your children was sick with lets say....CANCER ... that you would leave your child in the hospital and neglect them to make sure your other children are taken care of? Hmmmm funny how things change when they are shined in a different way.

The Duggar's can teach us a lot. They can teach us how to raise our children with dignity and respect for life. They also show us, that it is OK to grieve that it is OK for us to remember our children that are not here with us. Child/Infant loss, miscarriage and stillbirths are such a taboo subject and I am glad that the Duggar's have come forward to shine the light on this sensitive subject. I know that this mother of an angel sure does appreciate it.

I myself, do not have pictures of my daughter, Audrey Cristine. BUT I sure wish I did. The services that Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) does, is beautiful. They help preserve the memories that us as PARENTS want to have of our CHILD. It is hard enough that we have to plan their funeral the same time as their birth and that our heads are not thinking clearly and for a non-profit to come in and help during one of the most emotional times of our lives, is a blessing. It was hurting to see such a blessing of a non profit attacked by many of people bashing NILMDTS. I sure wish and long for the fact that NILMDTS was in place in the hospital where I had my sweet Audrey, as it would have been AMAZING to have pictures of her so I could put her face on paper and show everyone how proud of her I am and not just have her face and perfect toes, hands and body etched in my mind.

Thank you Duggar's for coming out and showing us your Jubilee Shalom and breaking out of the box and exposing pregnancy loss. No one wants to bury their child regardless if they are 19 weeks or 25 years old. It is not the way things are supposed to be. We are supposed to watch our children grow and become parents themselves and enjoy every minute of it! But sometimes that is not the case and THANK YOU DUGGAR'S FOR SHOWING THAT.

" eyes are dim with grief.
   I call to you, O LOrd, every day;
    I spread out my hands to you"
           Psalm 88:9

Jubilee Shalom Duggar Video

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Conflicting pain

*sigh* I don't know if I am being selfish in my own grief or just protecting myself from unnecessary breakdowns right now but I feel like....Crap! My best friends daughter is in the NICU. She has been since she was born which was August 17. She has struggled physically and her digestive tract just isn't working (keep her in your prayers). Well..... I have been putting off seeing her. My pain in my heart has kept me away. How do I walk into the same hospital that Audrey was in, the one she died in. How do I walk in knowing she's not 'there?' How do I walk in knowing that her daughter was the SAME age as Audrey and she is that little bed...fighting... And living... But my Audrey is in heaven? Now don't get me wrong I would NEVER EVER want ANYONE to go through this pain but my heart can't help but to ache. Am I alone? Am I being selfish? Am I hurting my friend? Does she understand? Am I a bad person?

Monday, December 19, 2011

Christmas Heartache..

I can't help but to have a heavy heart going into this holiday season. My heart aches for Audrey so much right now, not that it doesn't every other day BUT holidays are EXTREMELY painful. This time three years ago I was finally announcing to my family that I was pregnant! It was filled with joyous times and rubbing of my belly and getting all those "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments and teddy bears. I was in awe of everything... it was just a magical time I guess you could say.

Now I am left with the painful reminders. Kids seeing Santa, my friends parading around their kids in the ADORABLE Christmas dresses, those cute christmas photography sessions, and the gift buying... *sigh* I was shopping the other day and I seen the most beautiful pink Christmas dress that was 'sooo Audrey.' I longed to see her in the dress and call my friend (an amazing photographer) and have her take some adorable pictures with Audrey and I next to the Christmas tree AND of course playing in the snow. Right now she should be almost 3, a beautiful age where she will be getting her own personality and developing into her own little woman. How I long to know what she would be like. Would she be like me? Would she develop my freckles? These things I desire to know and won't find out until heaven, which can not come soon enough!

My heart just aches for her and I feel like I can not communicate with Keith (my bf) regarding Audrey and my pain. I mean he doesn't know what it is like for me to have lost her. He doesn't know how loosing a child feels, Audrey wasn't his. I feel like he just isn't emotionally connected with me in that way. He knows that I hurt and he knows that my pain runs deep. His is VERY supportive of my feelings  and he is always comforting to me regarding them, like sends me flowers on Audrey's Birthday, always makes sure I am ok.

This Christmas season I find myself crying more than normal and I find myself not wanting to get out of bed kind of hurt. Keith asks me if I am 'OK' and I can not help but to lie and say yes... when in reality I am one Snuggie (or Forever Lazy and that one makes me laugh) commercial away from balling my eyes out. Am I normal? Is anyone else having such a hard time this year? This is my 3rd Christmas without her and people say.. .ohhhh well it gets easier with time.. sorry but I say BULLCRAP! MY heart will never heal and things will NEVER get easier, how can knowing that your child is in heaven be 'easy?' IF ONE MORE PERSON TELLS ME THAT OR... YOU ARE READY NOW TO HAVE KIDS AGAIN I WILL KARATE CHOP THEM IN THE THROAT!

Which brings up another valuable question to my BLM's when is a good time to try again? Obviously it won't be for a while for me... but seriously, when did you guys feel it was 'time' or did God take control? I am just fearful of the whole, trying and being let down problem. I am fearful that I was left infertile with Audrey. Ideas? Comments?

I wish she could just be here with me. I wish I didn't have to pray to her every night instead of me tucking her in at night.

You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you, wherever you are.
--- Nancy Tillman
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