3 years to long...

3 years have come and gone since I last seen you... The imagine of you still burns in my head, I can see your beautiful face, your eyes, your nose and your little lips. I can still feel my fingers trace your face and your hair. Feeling your soft baby skin against my fingertips and your sweet tiny baby hair. I brushed my thumb up and down your forehead what seems to be in my head days, but the harsh reality was it was to short.

My fear is one day I will wake up and forget those images and I will forget how it felt to touch you. I pray to God everyday to let me keep you alive in my head and keep your name going.

Yesterday was a good day, two beautiful friends of mine sent you balloons to heaven. (By the way I know you seen Nevaeh snatch your purple butterfly balloon!) I hope you loved your balloons, but be sure to share with Jenna and Nevaeh (even though she already snatched the purple one). I know they are keeping you company on your special day up there... you are probably having 'glitter wars' and eating as much 'cotton candy' as you can.....(Thank goodness there's no cavities in heaven).

Know that everyday I keep your name alive and you are still remembered. Until that beautiful day when we are reunited you are forever in my heart, my brain and my soul.

Know that even from Heaven you are changing lives and making strides to help others. Your life did not end in vain. You are loved far much more than you know.

Fly High Baby Girl...Fly High..

*Finding Hope in Grief and Learning to Dance in the Rain...*

New Year ... Same Ache

My heart aches for her. Normally for me the years start off SO hard. Her birthday and entrance into heaven being in February really hits me hard in the beginning of they year. Then just when the pain seems to 'subside' a bit, BAM here comes mothers day and then her due date (June 19). I feel sometimes like I do NOT get a break from grief. There is always that CONSTANT reminder she's not here. That pain at times is suffocating and crushing.
 Today the pain was hanging her butterfly love Carly Marie Dudley drew for her in her honor. Next to her pictures, I put Jenna Belle's and Nevaeh's pictures she created as well. There is now a constant reminder of the THREE lovely little girls that have given me such a 'new and different' perspective on things and that have changed my life. And behind two of those little girls is two beautiful women who I just adore. I don't consider them friends... they are family... my sisters. Thousands of miles might separate us, but thank the LORD for the Internet I can always 'stalk' them a bit. We share laughs and cries via text and of course our angels. I could not ask for a better support system with my lovely ladies. Not to forget all of you either. Your emails, facebook posts, messages and comments have inspired me and left me absolutely humbled.
This year for Audrey's Angelversary I am asking  BEGGING (I am not to proud to beg) to help me with Audrey's angelversary this year. I have been put in a horrible compromising situation. I am sadly having surgery on the 17th and her bday is the 23rd. So that means.. BEDREST AND STUCK AT HOME ON CRUTCHES for her bday. My heart aches it hurts sooo bad. I am trying to see if people will help me light a candle for her or heck if you want to send a balloon up with a message or just say a little prayer to her. I can not do something like I WANT (my heart desires) to for her. Let me know if anyone has any ideas for her angelversary... it is approaching so rapidly. </3

Back at 1....

Reality... has finally hit. On my way home from Texas I have realized...I am not going to go on Nevaeh's care page and see anymore updates about her in pain or about the great day she was having. 

I had a great time (considering the circumstances) in Texas. We spoke of Audrey, Jenna Belle, and Nevaeh often. It was nice having someone to be with during the day and nice to have someone who has been 'down this sad road of infant loss' by my side. Now its back to reality where I almost feel alone in my own thoughts. Like I am not 'understood'. It is lonely being here during the day with just me myself and my thoughts. 

This year ending has snuck up on me. I find holiday's are the hardest, its the time when we announced my pregnancy and it was a time of joy. Now I find that its a lonely time, full of others peoples firsts, their child's first Christmas, the first Christmas as a couple....etc...etc...etc.

I thank God for the support from the Baby Loss Community and my friends. Without them, I would be sooo lost beyond words. I praise God for giving me the strength everyday for letting me carry on and continue the good in 'her name'. 

Somewhere Over The Rainbow...

Somewhere over the rainbow... is where Nevaeh is. Heaven just became a little (ok A LOT) more glittery! I read before she fell in love with the move "The Wizard of Oz" (Great choice Nevaeh it is my FAVORITE MOVIE!!) and I couldn't help but to break down thinking of this song in the movie. She had big dreams and a big heart, and of course we all know "Somewhere over the rainbow...the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true"  

Never forgotten friend

Well geez... Frankly, I have NOOO idea where to begin. The past month or so has been sooo hectic that I don't know how I am still standing at times! So I will make a few posts! The month of July I have found has been tough for me. July marks the anniversary of my friend Adam who passed. This year was his 9 year anniversary. My heart is always heavy around this time since it’s hard to know that your friend who was only 17 is gone. The past two years I have not gone to his grave like I normally do every year, the first year well it was right after I lost Audrey and me and cemeteries probably were not the healthiest thing for me and well last year was due to the foot surgery issues. So this year I knew I had to go and I had to make it special. So I brought him his 3 flowers like always and this year I got a rock (it says "beloved friend" on it) for his site and a butterfly!! Well when I got to the cemetery I decided I wanted to write him a letter. So oddly enough I had a notebook and an envelope in my car, so I went to town and started writing! I let my emotions out and apologized for not coming the past two years and told him to keep Audrey safe, and most importantly to teach her to smile. Adam if you knew him, had this smile that was contagious the room would light up whenever he smiled and even if you were in a horrible mood that smile would make your day! Normally I just drive straight to the gravesite of his but this time I found myself not being able to think clearly and my mind frazzled so after all these years I "forgot" where his gravesite was so I had to go inside and ask :( As I walked in and felt like a dork for forgetting this IMPORTANT information on my friend the lady asks me if I need help I tell her I was looking for my friend Adam and she goes oh wow so ironic we were talking about him this morning. I found a sense of astonishment that after 9 years the women of the cemetery are talking about him! That was Adam a lady killer, and not to mention he just left his mark on life. So I finally got my stuff to his grave and immediately tears run down my face. I somehow managed to forget his picture is on his headstone. So I plumped my butt down and read him my letter. I probably got a quarter of the way down the page until my eyes were so teary eyed that I couldn't read past the tears and the sobs coming out of me. Suddenly this wind started to pick up (mind you it was July 6th not much wind was happening since it was a heat spell that was horrible!) and I suddenly was embraced with this wind. For a minute my tears stopped and it felt like I was being hugged. Now I don't know if this was a sign from Miss Audrey or Adam or better yet both but whoever and whatever it was Thank you! I finished my letter and I just sat there, and sat there, and sat there. Of course I talked to Adam like he was sitting in front of me and we were having a cup of coffee. Then I look to the side and I see this woman looking at me like I might be missing out of a mental ward. She was placing balloons on a grave. I looked up and it said Happy 21st Birthday. Couldn't help but to go over there to the woman and give her one of my flowers (there were a lot of fuscia flowers when I got Adam his so I bought a lot extra!) She couldn't believe that I was bringing her daughter a flower and paying my respects to someone I didn't know. We shared stories of my loss of Adam (reason me being there) and the loss of my daughter, and she shared hers. We walked back over to Adams grave and talked, and this dead silence and chill started to roll up my spine. I noticed a slow moving car approaching us.... It was a hearse. The procession stopped and people started to get out of their cars. I noticed it was a lot of younger people and my heart sank. Then... the worst thing happened.... It was a baby casket. All white tiny casket and pink flowers all over the place. I lost it. I fell to the ground and just kept sobbing. Looking back at it I really feel for the woman who was with me. She had ZERO idea what was going on. Most people don't know this... but.... I donated Audrey and my placenta for medical research. (This has been a hard decision that I have wrestled with. But we will cover this in a different post!) So I never had that closer, that funeral, that "final" goodbye. When I sat on the ground that breeze came back and calmed me down and wrapped its arms around me. *thank you angels* Then I noticed butterflies flying around. *thanks again for the sign*. This day was emotional but one of those days that I needed. If that makes ANY sense at all.