She was 'still...born...'

The loss of the Duggar's has left me absolutely .... speechless and heartbroken. Reading the comments that other people have wrote in relation to the Duggar's have left me shocked  SICKENED. Knowing that people have posed such hatred towards a baby brings great pain to my heart. I don't understand why people are so angry, is because the fact that they have faith, they have embraced the loss of a child in a tasteful and poised manner, or it is because they are in the public eye.

Yes, they are 'famous for a reality show.'
Yes, they have 21 blessed children (19 on Earth 2 in Heaven)

But do any of these things make them less of people? They have NEVER showed themselves anything but tasteful and religious. They have NEVER been shown in the spotlight doing drugs, partying all night, hurting their children or anything degrading to life in their show like other stars have been shown doing (i.e. Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan or the countless celebs that we MAKE famous).

The Duggar's have raised their children with the faith of God, morals and respect. So what if they have 21 children. I know some people who have 2 child and shouldn't even have that!

I have seen some hateful comments stating that, its God's will to take the child, that she's to old, she has enough kids, she should focus on the kids she has being in the NICU with her previous child took to much time away from the rest of them.
Well... where to begin... The Duggar's do not receive financial aid from ANY OF US or the government, why should we have a say so in what they do with their money, if you are saying it is God's will to take the child please read this article HERE. Yes she is 45 and age does increase possibility of complications but remember it was 'God's Will' that got her pregnant. And for her being in the NICU taking away from her other children..... So you are telling me that if one of your children was sick with lets say....CANCER ... that you would leave your child in the hospital and neglect them to make sure your other children are taken care of? Hmmmm funny how things change when they are shined in a different way.

The Duggar's can teach us a lot. They can teach us how to raise our children with dignity and respect for life. They also show us, that it is OK to grieve that it is OK for us to remember our children that are not here with us. Child/Infant loss, miscarriage and stillbirths are such a taboo subject and I am glad that the Duggar's have come forward to shine the light on this sensitive subject. I know that this mother of an angel sure does appreciate it.

I myself, do not have pictures of my daughter, Audrey Cristine. BUT I sure wish I did. The services that Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) does, is beautiful. They help preserve the memories that us as PARENTS want to have of our CHILD. It is hard enough that we have to plan their funeral the same time as their birth and that our heads are not thinking clearly and for a non-profit to come in and help during one of the most emotional times of our lives, is a blessing. It was hurting to see such a blessing of a non profit attacked by many of people bashing NILMDTS. I sure wish and long for the fact that NILMDTS was in place in the hospital where I had my sweet Audrey, as it would have been AMAZING to have pictures of her so I could put her face on paper and show everyone how proud of her I am and not just have her face and perfect toes, hands and body etched in my mind.

Thank you Duggar's for coming out and showing us your Jubilee Shalom and breaking out of the box and exposing pregnancy loss. No one wants to bury their child regardless if they are 19 weeks or 25 years old. It is not the way things are supposed to be. We are supposed to watch our children grow and become parents themselves and enjoy every minute of it! But sometimes that is not the case and THANK YOU DUGGAR'S FOR SHOWING THAT.

"...my eyes are dim with grief.
   I call to you, O LOrd, every day;
    I spread out my hands to you"
           Psalm 88:9

Jubilee Shalom Duggar Video

Conflicting pain

*sigh* I don't know if I am being selfish in my own grief or just protecting myself from unnecessary breakdowns right now but I feel like....Crap! My best friends daughter is in the NICU. She has been since she was born which was August 17. She has struggled physically and her digestive tract just isn't working (keep her in your prayers). Well..... I have been putting off seeing her. My pain in my heart has kept me away. How do I walk into the same hospital that Audrey was in, the one she died in. How do I walk in knowing she's not 'there?' How do I walk in knowing that her daughter was the SAME age as Audrey and she is there...in that little bed...fighting... And living... But my Audrey is in heaven? Now don't get me wrong I would NEVER EVER want ANYONE to go through this pain but my heart can't help but to ache. Am I alone? Am I being selfish? Am I hurting my friend? Does she understand? Am I a bad person?

Christmas Heartache..

I can't help but to have a heavy heart going into this holiday season. My heart aches for Audrey so much right now, not that it doesn't every other day BUT holidays are EXTREMELY painful. This time three years ago I was finally announcing to my family that I was pregnant! It was filled with joyous times and rubbing of my belly and getting all those "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments and teddy bears. I was in awe of everything... it was just a magical time I guess you could say.

Now I am left with the painful reminders. Kids seeing Santa, my friends parading around their kids in the ADORABLE Christmas dresses, those cute christmas photography sessions, and the gift buying... *sigh* I was shopping the other day and I seen the most beautiful pink Christmas dress that was 'sooo Audrey.' I longed to see her in the dress and call my friend (an amazing photographer) and have her take some adorable pictures with Audrey and I next to the Christmas tree AND of course playing in the snow. Right now she should be almost 3, a beautiful age where she will be getting her own personality and developing into her own little woman. How I long to know what she would be like. Would she be like me? Would she develop my freckles? These things I desire to know and won't find out until heaven, which can not come soon enough!

My heart just aches for her and I feel like I can not communicate with Keith (my bf) regarding Audrey and my pain. I mean he doesn't know what it is like for me to have lost her. He doesn't know how loosing a child feels, Audrey wasn't his. I feel like he just isn't emotionally connected with me in that way. He knows that I hurt and he knows that my pain runs deep. His is VERY supportive of my feelings  and he is always comforting to me regarding them, like sends me flowers on Audrey's Birthday, always makes sure I am ok.

This Christmas season I find myself crying more than normal and I find myself not wanting to get out of bed kind of hurt. Keith asks me if I am 'OK' and I can not help but to lie and say yes... when in reality I am one Snuggie (or Forever Lazy and that one makes me laugh) commercial away from balling my eyes out. Am I normal? Is anyone else having such a hard time this year? This is my 3rd Christmas without her and people say.. .ohhhh well it gets easier with time.. sorry but I say BULLCRAP! MY heart will never heal and things will NEVER get easier, how can knowing that your child is in heaven be 'easy?' IF ONE MORE PERSON TELLS ME THAT OR... YOU ARE READY NOW TO HAVE KIDS AGAIN I WILL KARATE CHOP THEM IN THE THROAT!

Which brings up another valuable question to my BLM's when is a good time to try again? Obviously it won't be for a while for me... but seriously, when did you guys feel it was 'time' or did God take control? I am just fearful of the whole, trying and being let down problem. I am fearful that I was left infertile with Audrey. Ideas? Comments?

I wish she could just be here with me. I wish I didn't have to pray to her every night instead of me tucking her in at night.

You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you, wherever you are.
--- Nancy Tillman

Nevaeh's Hope Exchange

In Nevaeh’s memory my awesome friend Franchesca and I decided to name this whole Christmas card/ ornament exchange after her! :) It’s all about spreading love and hope around this bereaved community. Holidays, as so many have said are just plain hard.

If you’d like to participate in the card exchange please read over a few things below first…

- the sign up will be open until November 18th

- please mail cards no later than December 5

- this is open worldwide

- in addition to your exchange partner you can also choose to send the Ramirez family a Christmas card this year too. This is totally optional and they have no idea I’m doing this! :) That is, until Amy (her mama) reads this part! ;)

- you can send a Christmas card or a Christmas card AND an ornament, and you will be paired with someone who is sending the same

- ornament ideas here and here. Christmas cards specific to child loss available here.

Signs... of comfort.

Right after I lost Audrey we all know from previous blogs I was a disaster and a huge mess. I longed to know if she was safe, and mostly my heart knowing I missed her so much and I feared she missed me too. The thought of me knowing that there was the possibility of her missing me as much as me missing her made my heart well... crush.

I searched high and low for signs I looked above fell to my knees many times screaming for signs she was OK! I never received anything, this hindered me severely. As I have found 'myself' and my faith again over the past 2 years signs have just literally fell into my lap. They aren't all of Audrey, they are sometimes of other angel mommies and I don't even know them!

We had a severe case of child neglect and when it came out into the news they only released the child's name (no picture). I went to bed that night and had the craziest dream. It was of Audrey she was in a field with high grass and full of butterflies and dragon flies. She had a lot of children with her... some were chasing butterflies some were playing hide and go seek and some were um.. eating dirt ( I guess kids are still kids in heaven huh?). It was peaceful watching her play watching her have fun with all these other kids and then they all stopped, this boy was in the corner, and he had a huge smile, with sandy blonde hair, and this blue and black shirt on. They all looked and ran to this boy, you could tell he was scared and that he was nervous to go to the other children but they all grabbed his hand and they all decided then to play red rover. It was like they were welcoming this boy to their community.

When I woke the next morning and told my boyfriend of the amazing dream I had. He's used to me blabbing about some kind of sign I think I am getting but I described the kid in such vivid detail to him. Well..... the day went on and night had come. The boyfriend and I had sat down after dinner to watch the news and some TV. While watching the news, the story of the boy had come on, and they showed a picture of him. My jaw dropped and hair stood up on every inch of my body. IT.WAS.HIM. The boy... the boy in my dreams. My heart stopped my boyfriend looked at me and I just lost it. I knew it was a sign from her telling me not to worry about the boy.

Now fast forward to now.... I see her love all over, from butterflies, to dragon flies, hot pink all over, and 'our songs'. Now these might be normal signs but she knows when I need her love. I had the pleasure of showing a friend recently my crazy pictures I take of the sunset, the sky (she speaks to me A LOT) in clouds. She actually sent me a heart when I was in the plane down to Texas <3 .


One sign that sticks out in my head was while I was down in Texas with my dear friend, Fran we were at the park and there went a butterfly. I commented on hey look at the butterfly and her son looked at us and said "butterfly". Now that sends chills up and down my spine... Now you can ask Fran that we had so many more signs but that was just one that stuck out in my head.

Does anyone else have signs like this?

Back at 1....

Reality... has finally hit. On my way home from Texas I have realized...I am not going to go on Nevaeh's care page and see anymore updates about her in pain or about the great day she was having. 

I had a great time (considering the circumstances) in Texas. We spoke of Audrey, Jenna Belle, and Nevaeh often. It was nice having someone to be with during the day and nice to have someone who has been 'down this sad road of infant loss' by my side. Now its back to reality where I almost feel alone in my own thoughts. Like I am not 'understood'. It is lonely being here during the day with just me myself and my thoughts. 

This year ending has snuck up on me. I find holiday's are the hardest, its the time when we announced my pregnancy and it was a time of joy. Now I find that its a lonely time, full of others peoples firsts, their child's first Christmas, the first Christmas as a couple....etc...etc...etc.

I thank God for the support from the Baby Loss Community and my friends. Without them, I would be sooo lost beyond words. I praise God for giving me the strength everyday for letting me carry on and continue the good in 'her name'. 

Somewhere Over The Rainbow...

Somewhere over the rainbow... is where Nevaeh is. Heaven just became a little (ok A LOT) more glittery! I read before she fell in love with the move "The Wizard of Oz" (Great choice Nevaeh it is my FAVORITE MOVIE!!) and I couldn't help but to break down thinking of this song in the movie. She had big dreams and a big heart, and of course we all know "Somewhere over the rainbow...the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true"