And let there be P.A.I.N.

The pain of not knowing
is the worst of all.

Not knowing if she made it
where she can never fall.

This I will never know
in this life after all.
~Me

My faith in human kind has been really really bruised and crunched yesterday. I am one of those people who REFUSES to watch the news. I hate it I hate it I hate it! There's always something horrible going on and when I rummage the paper for my coupon and sales ads I have seen a LOT of families loosing their children and personally it aches my heart so I chose not to watch the news.
Well.... Yesterday something told me to sit in front of the TV and turn on Channel 7 (our ABC). I did against my better judgement and SLAP right in the face was a news segment on the county that I gave birth to Audrey in. Not just some old politician with their hand in the cookie jar story... but sickening enough, bodies forgot about in the morgue. (Now to me dead bodies don't scare me, my actual major before I chose Psych was Mortuary Science. Now the process of death and someone dying scares the dickens out of me, hence why I dropped my Nursing major. I have to much compassion and I could never live a life with so many what if's and watch someone die. Now work with someone who's passed on and help a family who is going through a tragedy hurdle over the hardest point in their lives is what I am about. Some people think I'm creepy for it but I say, its the last time you are ever going to see your family member in the flesh besides when we cross to the other side and I want to make sure its memorable and you are content with it. Ok enough of my side note)
Well the morgue SCREWED UP super bad... I mean HORRIFICALLY BAD. They forgot to process bodies, they forgot to send bodies to donation sites. This was said and I quote "Some of the photos show red plastic bags that morgue workers say contain fetuses, piled high on shelves, and some corpses that appear to be surrounded by garbage." Awesome huh? For one if a child is born its not a fetus that pissed me off, and two who the hell let this happen and doesn't have a friggin care to human life like this? Oh yeah COOK COUNTY MORGUE. 
So now I sit and wonder.... 'Was Audrey in one of them red plastic bags they called a fetus?' OR was her body used and in the meaningful way I intended on it to be used for?? 
IF you have the stomach to read the story and watch the video the link is here. 

My heart hurts... it just throbs right now. I am so numb that I don't know what to feel. I am angry, scared, sad, everything balled up into one.

My amazing friend posted a quote and picture that sums it all up for me in what path I have to go down right now:
                                     For all the times you couldn't... for all the times hope felt lost.

New Year ... Same Ache

My heart aches for her. Normally for me the years start off SO hard. Her birthday and entrance into heaven being in February really hits me hard in the beginning of they year. Then just when the pain seems to 'subside' a bit, BAM here comes mothers day and then her due date (June 19). I feel sometimes like I do NOT get a break from grief. There is always that CONSTANT reminder she's not here. That pain at times is suffocating and crushing.
 Today the pain was hanging her butterfly love Carly Marie Dudley drew for her in her honor. Next to her pictures, I put Jenna Belle's and Nevaeh's pictures she created as well. There is now a constant reminder of the THREE lovely little girls that have given me such a 'new and different' perspective on things and that have changed my life. And behind two of those little girls is two beautiful women who I just adore. I don't consider them friends... they are family... my sisters. Thousands of miles might separate us, but thank the LORD for the Internet I can always 'stalk' them a bit. We share laughs and cries via text and of course our angels. I could not ask for a better support system with my lovely ladies. Not to forget all of you either. Your emails, facebook posts, messages and comments have inspired me and left me absolutely humbled.
This year for Audrey's Angelversary I am asking  BEGGING (I am not to proud to beg) to help me with Audrey's angelversary this year. I have been put in a horrible compromising situation. I am sadly having surgery on the 17th and her bday is the 23rd. So that means.. BEDREST AND STUCK AT HOME ON CRUTCHES for her bday. My heart aches it hurts sooo bad. I am trying to see if people will help me light a candle for her or heck if you want to send a balloon up with a message or just say a little prayer to her. I can not do something like I WANT (my heart desires) to for her. Let me know if anyone has any ideas for her angelversary... it is approaching so rapidly. </3