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Thursday, December 22, 2011

She was 'still...born...'

The loss of the Duggar's has left me absolutely .... speechless and heartbroken. Reading the comments that other people have wrote in relation to the Duggar's have left me shocked  SICKENED. Knowing that people have posed such hatred towards a baby brings great pain to my heart. I don't understand why people are so angry, is because the fact that they have faith, they have embraced the loss of a child in a tasteful and poised manner, or it is because they are in the public eye.

Yes, they are 'famous for a reality show.'
Yes, they have 21 blessed children (19 on Earth 2 in Heaven)

But do any of these things make them less of people? They have NEVER showed themselves anything but tasteful and religious. They have NEVER been shown in the spotlight doing drugs, partying all night, hurting their children or anything degrading to life in their show like other stars have been shown doing (i.e. Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan or the countless celebs that we MAKE famous).

The Duggar's have raised their children with the faith of God, morals and respect. So what if they have 21 children. I know some people who have 2 child and shouldn't even have that!

I have seen some hateful comments stating that, its God's will to take the child, that she's to old, she has enough kids, she should focus on the kids she has being in the NICU with her previous child took to much time away from the rest of them.
Well... where to begin... The Duggar's do not receive financial aid from ANY OF US or the government, why should we have a say so in what they do with their money, if you are saying it is God's will to take the child please read this article HERE. Yes she is 45 and age does increase possibility of complications but remember it was 'God's Will' that got her pregnant. And for her being in the NICU taking away from her other children..... So you are telling me that if one of your children was sick with lets say....CANCER ... that you would leave your child in the hospital and neglect them to make sure your other children are taken care of? Hmmmm funny how things change when they are shined in a different way.

The Duggar's can teach us a lot. They can teach us how to raise our children with dignity and respect for life. They also show us, that it is OK to grieve that it is OK for us to remember our children that are not here with us. Child/Infant loss, miscarriage and stillbirths are such a taboo subject and I am glad that the Duggar's have come forward to shine the light on this sensitive subject. I know that this mother of an angel sure does appreciate it.

I myself, do not have pictures of my daughter, Audrey Cristine. BUT I sure wish I did. The services that Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) does, is beautiful. They help preserve the memories that us as PARENTS want to have of our CHILD. It is hard enough that we have to plan their funeral the same time as their birth and that our heads are not thinking clearly and for a non-profit to come in and help during one of the most emotional times of our lives, is a blessing. It was hurting to see such a blessing of a non profit attacked by many of people bashing NILMDTS. I sure wish and long for the fact that NILMDTS was in place in the hospital where I had my sweet Audrey, as it would have been AMAZING to have pictures of her so I could put her face on paper and show everyone how proud of her I am and not just have her face and perfect toes, hands and body etched in my mind.

Thank you Duggar's for coming out and showing us your Jubilee Shalom and breaking out of the box and exposing pregnancy loss. No one wants to bury their child regardless if they are 19 weeks or 25 years old. It is not the way things are supposed to be. We are supposed to watch our children grow and become parents themselves and enjoy every minute of it! But sometimes that is not the case and THANK YOU DUGGAR'S FOR SHOWING THAT.

" eyes are dim with grief.
   I call to you, O LOrd, every day;
    I spread out my hands to you"
           Psalm 88:9

Jubilee Shalom Duggar Video

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Conflicting pain

*sigh* I don't know if I am being selfish in my own grief or just protecting myself from unnecessary breakdowns right now but I feel like....Crap! My best friends daughter is in the NICU. She has been since she was born which was August 17. She has struggled physically and her digestive tract just isn't working (keep her in your prayers). Well..... I have been putting off seeing her. My pain in my heart has kept me away. How do I walk into the same hospital that Audrey was in, the one she died in. How do I walk in knowing she's not 'there?' How do I walk in knowing that her daughter was the SAME age as Audrey and she is that little bed...fighting... And living... But my Audrey is in heaven? Now don't get me wrong I would NEVER EVER want ANYONE to go through this pain but my heart can't help but to ache. Am I alone? Am I being selfish? Am I hurting my friend? Does she understand? Am I a bad person?

Monday, December 19, 2011

Christmas Heartache..

I can't help but to have a heavy heart going into this holiday season. My heart aches for Audrey so much right now, not that it doesn't every other day BUT holidays are EXTREMELY painful. This time three years ago I was finally announcing to my family that I was pregnant! It was filled with joyous times and rubbing of my belly and getting all those "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments and teddy bears. I was in awe of everything... it was just a magical time I guess you could say.

Now I am left with the painful reminders. Kids seeing Santa, my friends parading around their kids in the ADORABLE Christmas dresses, those cute christmas photography sessions, and the gift buying... *sigh* I was shopping the other day and I seen the most beautiful pink Christmas dress that was 'sooo Audrey.' I longed to see her in the dress and call my friend (an amazing photographer) and have her take some adorable pictures with Audrey and I next to the Christmas tree AND of course playing in the snow. Right now she should be almost 3, a beautiful age where she will be getting her own personality and developing into her own little woman. How I long to know what she would be like. Would she be like me? Would she develop my freckles? These things I desire to know and won't find out until heaven, which can not come soon enough!

My heart just aches for her and I feel like I can not communicate with Keith (my bf) regarding Audrey and my pain. I mean he doesn't know what it is like for me to have lost her. He doesn't know how loosing a child feels, Audrey wasn't his. I feel like he just isn't emotionally connected with me in that way. He knows that I hurt and he knows that my pain runs deep. His is VERY supportive of my feelings  and he is always comforting to me regarding them, like sends me flowers on Audrey's Birthday, always makes sure I am ok.

This Christmas season I find myself crying more than normal and I find myself not wanting to get out of bed kind of hurt. Keith asks me if I am 'OK' and I can not help but to lie and say yes... when in reality I am one Snuggie (or Forever Lazy and that one makes me laugh) commercial away from balling my eyes out. Am I normal? Is anyone else having such a hard time this year? This is my 3rd Christmas without her and people say.. .ohhhh well it gets easier with time.. sorry but I say BULLCRAP! MY heart will never heal and things will NEVER get easier, how can knowing that your child is in heaven be 'easy?' IF ONE MORE PERSON TELLS ME THAT OR... YOU ARE READY NOW TO HAVE KIDS AGAIN I WILL KARATE CHOP THEM IN THE THROAT!

Which brings up another valuable question to my BLM's when is a good time to try again? Obviously it won't be for a while for me... but seriously, when did you guys feel it was 'time' or did God take control? I am just fearful of the whole, trying and being let down problem. I am fearful that I was left infertile with Audrey. Ideas? Comments?

I wish she could just be here with me. I wish I didn't have to pray to her every night instead of me tucking her in at night.

You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you, wherever you are.
--- Nancy Tillman

Monday, November 14, 2011

Nevaeh's Hope Exchange

In Nevaeh’s memory my awesome friend Franchesca and I decided to name this whole Christmas card/ ornament exchange after her! :) It’s all about spreading love and hope around this bereaved community. Holidays, as so many have said are just plain hard.
If you’d like to participate in the card exchange please read over a few things below first…
- the sign up will be open until November 18th
- please mail cards no later than December 5
- this is open worldwide
- in addition to your exchange partner you can also choose to send the Ramirez family a Christmas card this year too. This is totally optional and they have no idea I’m doing this! :) That is, until Amy (her mama) reads this part! ;)
- you can send a Christmas card or a Christmas card AND an ornament, and you will be paired with someone who is sending the same
- ornament ideas here and here. Christmas cards specific to child loss available here.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Signs... of comfort.

Right after I lost Audrey we all know from previous blogs I was a disaster and a huge mess. I longed to know if she was safe, and mostly my heart knowing I missed her so much and I feared she missed me too. The thought of me knowing that there was the possibility of her missing me as much as me missing her made my heart well... crush.

I searched high and low for signs I looked above fell to my knees many times screaming for signs she was OK! I never received anything, this hindered me severely. As I have found 'myself' and my faith again over the past 2 years signs have just literally fell into my lap. They aren't all of Audrey, they are sometimes of other angel mommies and I don't even know them!

We had a severe case of child neglect and when it came out into the news they only released the child's name (no picture). I went to bed that night and had the craziest dream. It was of Audrey she was in a field with high grass and full of butterflies and dragon flies. She had a lot of children with her... some were chasing butterflies some were playing hide and go seek and some were um.. eating dirt ( I guess kids are still kids in heaven huh?). It was peaceful watching her play watching her have fun with all these other kids and then they all stopped, this boy was in the corner, and he had a huge smile, with sandy blonde hair, and this blue and black shirt on. They all looked and ran to this boy, you could tell he was scared and that he was nervous to go to the other children but they all grabbed his hand and they all decided then to play red rover. It was like they were welcoming this boy to their community.

When I woke the next morning and told my boyfriend of the amazing dream I had. He's used to me blabbing about some kind of sign I think I am getting but I described the kid in such vivid detail to him. Well..... the day went on and night had come. The boyfriend and I had sat down after dinner to watch the news and some TV. While watching the news, the story of the boy had come on, and they showed a picture of him. My jaw dropped and hair stood up on every inch of my body. IT.WAS.HIM. The boy... the boy in my dreams. My heart stopped my boyfriend looked at me and I just lost it. I knew it was a sign from her telling me not to worry about the boy.

Now fast forward to now.... I see her love all over, from butterflies, to dragon flies, hot pink all over, and 'our songs'. Now these might be normal signs but she knows when I need her love. I had the pleasure of showing a friend recently my crazy pictures I take of the sunset, the sky (she speaks to me A LOT) in clouds. She actually sent me a heart when I was in the plane down to Texas <3 .

One sign that sticks out in my head was while I was down in Texas with my dear friend, Fran we were at the park and there went a butterfly. I commented on hey look at the butterfly and her son looked at us and said "butterfly". Now that sends chills up and down my spine... Now you can ask Fran that we had so many more signs but that was just one that stuck out in my head.

Does anyone else have signs like this?

Back at 1....

Reality... has finally hit. On my way home from Texas I have realized...I am not going to go on Nevaeh's care page and see anymore updates about her in pain or about the great day she was having. 

I had a great time (considering the circumstances) in Texas. We spoke of Audrey, Jenna Belle, and Nevaeh often. It was nice having someone to be with during the day and nice to have someone who has been 'down this sad road of infant loss' by my side. Now its back to reality where I almost feel alone in my own thoughts. Like I am not 'understood'. It is lonely being here during the day with just me myself and my thoughts. 

This year ending has snuck up on me. I find holiday's are the hardest, its the time when we announced my pregnancy and it was a time of joy. Now I find that its a lonely time, full of others peoples firsts, their child's first Christmas, the first Christmas as a couple....etc...etc...etc.

I thank God for the support from the Baby Loss Community and my friends. Without them, I would be sooo lost beyond words. I praise God for giving me the strength everyday for letting me carry on and continue the good in 'her name'. 

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Somewhere Over The Rainbow...

Somewhere over the rainbow... is where Nevaeh is. Heaven just became a little (ok A LOT) more glittery! I read before she fell in love with the move "The Wizard of Oz" (Great choice Nevaeh it is my FAVORITE MOVIE!!) and I couldn't help but to break down thinking of this song in the movie. She had big dreams and a big heart, and of course we all know "Somewhere over the rainbow...the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true"  

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


Today is probably the first day in a few that I have been able to stop and take a deep breath and enjoy some peace and quiet. Between birthdays, parties, football games, March of Dimes charity events and school work I haven't had much quality 'Dana Time'.
I read a post in my friends blog today. (Sometimes I feel bad that me catching up with my friends is reading an excerpt from their blog.) And she had TWO posts that hit home, one about guilt and the other about pleasing everyone. Well... I am a huge people pleaser with amazing amounts of guilt at times.
I often blame myself whole heartily about everything that happened to Audrey. I have always been the person to say if you are being mistreated in a relationship WALK AWAY, LEAVE YOUR LIFE ISN'T WORTH IT. But the words I repeat didn't affect me, I didn't leave, and I often think I say your life isn't worth it but yet I let my daughters be taken!!! The answer is... I was scared and threatened. I was fearful for what he could do to me and inevitably it happened. I know that a big piece of me went with Audrey, the amount of grief that I have and guilt consumed me for the bigger part of a year after she left. I am about to open up to you my demons my and my inner struggles. Please remember this is WHO I WAS.. NOT WHO I AM.. and Please do not pass judgement upon me as this is me being vulnerable.
On Feb 21 2009 my ex (Audrey's 'father' and my bf at the time) was dropped off at my house after a night of drinking with the boys. He had been kicked out of many bars and his friends were 'afraid' to bring him to his parents house as they didn't want to cause them trouble. So I mean hey.. why not bring him to his pregnant girl friends place. I was awoken out of sleep by my phone ringing off the hook and then my doorbell buzzing and his lovely friends running away and leaving him at the bottom of the stairs. Yes.. just what I needed, to wake up to my bf being at the bottom of 3 flights of stairs! Well... I don't know how but I managed to get him up the stairs and we made it to my apartment and I got him in my door. A friend was passed out on my couch (don't ask me why I didn't call for help getting him up the stairs). Well... as the drunk came into the apartment he seen someone sleeping on my couch and immediately started calling me names and telling me I was a cheater and that the baby probably wasn't his. He continued to accuse and belittle me and I just didn't want to hear it anymore, so I proceeded to walk into my room at the end of the hallway. As I attempted to walk past him he grabbed me by my arm and pulled me around and towards him. I don't know fully all what happened after that it turns to mush, but I know I was on the ground and then moments later I was pulled up and pushed against the door with a knife to my throat and my friend screaming bloody murder at my ex. I heard banging on the door I was behind and screaming from my neighbors asking me if I was ok and screaming to other to call 911. I don't honestly know what all happened maybe it was the fact that my head got hit and I blacked out or maybe my brain is doing me a favor and repressing those memories.
On Feb 23rd Audrey was born and my world spiraled more out of control. I started to drink.....heavily. As incoherently passing out was the only way I found to stop the nightmares. I lied to my family about what had happened (if you count lying not telling them the full story). I lay scared at night, knowing that he was out there, knowing that she was gone. I tried to forget everything that happened but I quickly realized it left me a horrible person to be around. Not only did my excessive drinking lead to horrible emotional breakdowns but they left me alone as my friends had turned their backs. I was down the road by myself. One night.. I drank a little to much and I don't know how (I like to think it was Audrey looking down on me) I ended up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. They say I was close to death, that my gag reflex was gone and if I hadn't sent a graphic text message to a friend and they didn't call 911 that I would have choked on my own vomit and died. I owe that friend my life....but sadly enough that was one of the last times we've talked.
During that next day after I was released from the hospital I was sleeping.. SOBER, and I had a dream. A dream and Audrey was in it. It was of me sleeping on the couch in the same clothes I was wearing hospital bracelet and all, and she was kneeling next to me trying to pry open my eyes like kids do and she kept saying "Why won't you wake up? Why won't you play with me? Sometimes, I wish I had a new mommy because I don't like when you sleep all day because you are up all night". I shot up from my sleep and cried and realized, I was failing my daughter's name. I wasn't dealing with her death. I needed to change my focus and get back to "me".
Franchesca and Thank you Carly Marie. You two have no idea how much you have saved me from myself and who I was before this journey. Thank you so much for being you.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Happy Birthday in Heaven..

I came on here today with no intentions of writing. I just wanted to read my posts and reflect. THEN I realized one of my most emotional posts wasn't published. I somehow managed to only save it as a draft :(  I think it was fate that brought me to that post....

Well the day I wrote it was Adam's Angelversary, and today.... Today is his Birthday. Today he would've blown out 27 candles (if the cake didn't melt first GOSH WE ARE GETTING OLD)!!!
I remember Adam like I seen him yesterday. I can still hear his laugh I can still see his smile. His Beautiful smile :) I miss so much about his friendship..  Rest in Paradise Adam.... You are forever my friend. Keep Audrey in your arms until I get there. I know you will teach her so much and she's safe with you. We love you! XOXO

Never forgotten friend

Well geez... Frankly, I have NOOO idea where to begin. The past month or so has been sooo hectic that I don't know how I am still standing at times! So I will make a few posts! The month of July I have found has been tough for me. July marks the anniversary of my friend Adam who passed. This year was his 9 year anniversary. My heart is always heavy around this time since it’s hard to know that your friend who was only 17 is gone. The past two years I have not gone to his grave like I normally do every year, the first year well it was right after I lost Audrey and me and cemeteries probably were not the healthiest thing for me and well last year was due to the foot surgery issues. So this year I knew I had to go and I had to make it special. So I brought him his 3 flowers like always and this year I got a rock (it says "beloved friend" on it) for his site and a butterfly!! Well when I got to the cemetery I decided I wanted to write him a letter. So oddly enough I had a notebook and an envelope in my car, so I went to town and started writing! I let my emotions out and apologized for not coming the past two years and told him to keep Audrey safe, and most importantly to teach her to smile. Adam if you knew him, had this smile that was contagious the room would light up whenever he smiled and even if you were in a horrible mood that smile would make your day! Normally I just drive straight to the gravesite of his but this time I found myself not being able to think clearly and my mind frazzled so after all these years I "forgot" where his gravesite was so I had to go inside and ask :( As I walked in and felt like a dork for forgetting this IMPORTANT information on my friend the lady asks me if I need help I tell her I was looking for my friend Adam and she goes oh wow so ironic we were talking about him this morning. I found a sense of astonishment that after 9 years the women of the cemetery are talking about him! That was Adam a lady killer, and not to mention he just left his mark on life. So I finally got my stuff to his grave and immediately tears run down my face. I somehow managed to forget his picture is on his headstone. So I plumped my butt down and read him my letter. I probably got a quarter of the way down the page until my eyes were so teary eyed that I couldn't read past the tears and the sobs coming out of me. Suddenly this wind started to pick up (mind you it was July 6th not much wind was happening since it was a heat spell that was horrible!) and I suddenly was embraced with this wind. For a minute my tears stopped and it felt like I was being hugged. Now I don't know if this was a sign from Miss Audrey or Adam or better yet both but whoever and whatever it was Thank you! I finished my letter and I just sat there, and sat there, and sat there. Of course I talked to Adam like he was sitting in front of me and we were having a cup of coffee. Then I look to the side and I see this woman looking at me like I might be missing out of a mental ward. She was placing balloons on a grave. I looked up and it said Happy 21st Birthday. Couldn't help but to go over there to the woman and give her one of my flowers (there were a lot of fuscia flowers when I got Adam his so I bought a lot extra!) She couldn't believe that I was bringing her daughter a flower and paying my respects to someone I didn't know. We shared stories of my loss of Adam (reason me being there) and the loss of my daughter, and she shared hers. We walked back over to Adams grave and talked, and this dead silence and chill started to roll up my spine. I noticed a slow moving car approaching us.... It was a hearse. The procession stopped and people started to get out of their cars. I noticed it was a lot of younger people and my heart sank. Then... the worst thing happened.... It was a baby casket. All white tiny casket and pink flowers all over the place. I lost it. I fell to the ground and just kept sobbing. Looking back at it I really feel for the woman who was with me. She had ZERO idea what was going on. Most people don't know this... but.... I donated Audrey and my placenta for medical research. (This has been a hard decision that I have wrestled with. But we will cover this in a different post!) So I never had that closer, that funeral, that "final" goodbye. When I sat on the ground that breeze came back and calmed me down and wrapped its arms around me. *thank you angels* Then I noticed butterflies flying around. *thanks again for the sign*. This day was emotional but one of those days that I needed. If that makes ANY sense at all.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Named after Heaven

Its hard to think that a family that I do not know personally has been a major factor in my life lately. I fell upon a care pages from my lovely friend and I read it. It brought me to tears to see the posts that this mother had wrote about her daughter Nevaeh.

This little girl who is as precious as her name. Hard to think that this little girl is battling such a horrible thing. Cancer. Not just any cancer ALL leukemia. I have prayed for this little girl and her family day in and day out. I even made the decision to "adopt" the family for Christmas knowing the circumstances I wanted to provide them with an AMAZING Christmas. Now seeing the updates I know that my dreams and hopes for this family are to far away, and there is not enough time. My heart breaks for them knowing that they are loosing their daughter.

I wish I could find some kind of words to put together to take the pain away. I wish I could give them their daughter I wish I could do SOMETHING besides sit here and wait and PRAY.

I have fallen to my knees in prayer many of times lately this past week. For Nevaeh, for my mother and for myself. At times I start to think that all of this is just one BIG DREAM, but I am quick to realize there's no pain in dreaming and that this is real life. My dreams is where I am happy, where I can be with my daughter again, and where I can have what I want. My life.... not so much.

I find myself often screaming out the famous WHY WHY WHY... I already know that there is a purpose for everything and that nothing goes in vain. But I still don't get it. This is the part of my faith that I struggle with during the grieving process.

Keep Nevaeh and her family in your prayers. They are in need of a miracle of sorts....

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

New to Blogging....

I am really new when it comes to this blogging stuff. I am not exactly the most computer smart person nor am I good at grammar so I will apologize in advanced!!!! I have set up this blog just as a personal stance my journey through losing my daughter Audrey Cristine. I will be setting up a blog for my Non Profit "Mothers Of Guardian Angels" with our stuff on there.. This blog is just to be about me and my personal struggles and my "artistic standpoints and ideas". Feel free to chime in, in anything that you see on my site to make it better or to go ahead and your emotions as well!!
I think this blog is going to be my emotional outlet and help me in so many more ways and allow me to open up about Audrey and her being gone. Thank you all for your support and love without you I would not have found my voice and used my loss to be an inspiration.
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