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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Guilt..Grief...Journey

Today is probably the first day in a few that I have been able to stop and take a deep breath and enjoy some peace and quiet. Between birthdays, parties, football games, March of Dimes charity events and school work I haven't had much quality 'Dana Time'.
I read a post in my friends blog today. (Sometimes I feel bad that me catching up with my friends is reading an excerpt from their blog.) And she had TWO posts that hit home, one about guilt and the other about pleasing everyone. Well... I am a huge people pleaser with amazing amounts of guilt at times.
I often blame myself whole heartily about everything that happened to Audrey. I have always been the person to say if you are being mistreated in a relationship WALK AWAY, LEAVE YOUR LIFE ISN'T WORTH IT. But the words I repeat didn't affect me, I didn't leave, and I often think I say your life isn't worth it but yet I let my daughters be taken!!! The answer is... I was scared and threatened. I was fearful for what he could do to me and inevitably it happened. I know that a big piece of me went with Audrey, the amount of grief that I have and guilt consumed me for the bigger part of a year after she left. I am about to open up to you my demons my and my inner struggles. Please remember this is WHO I WAS.. NOT WHO I AM.. and Please do not pass judgement upon me as this is me being vulnerable.
On Feb 21 2009 my ex (Audrey's 'father' and my bf at the time) was dropped off at my house after a night of drinking with the boys. He had been kicked out of many bars and his friends were 'afraid' to bring him to his parents house as they didn't want to cause them trouble. So I mean hey.. why not bring him to his pregnant girl friends place. I was awoken out of sleep by my phone ringing off the hook and then my doorbell buzzing and his lovely friends running away and leaving him at the bottom of the stairs. Yes.. just what I needed, to wake up to my bf being at the bottom of 3 flights of stairs! Well... I don't know how but I managed to get him up the stairs and we made it to my apartment and I got him in my door. A friend was passed out on my couch (don't ask me why I didn't call for help getting him up the stairs). Well... as the drunk came into the apartment he seen someone sleeping on my couch and immediately started calling me names and telling me I was a cheater and that the baby probably wasn't his. He continued to accuse and belittle me and I just didn't want to hear it anymore, so I proceeded to walk into my room at the end of the hallway. As I attempted to walk past him he grabbed me by my arm and pulled me around and towards him. I don't know fully all what happened after that it turns to mush, but I know I was on the ground and then moments later I was pulled up and pushed against the door with a knife to my throat and my friend screaming bloody murder at my ex. I heard banging on the door I was behind and screaming from my neighbors asking me if I was ok and screaming to other to call 911. I don't honestly know what all happened maybe it was the fact that my head got hit and I blacked out or maybe my brain is doing me a favor and repressing those memories.
On Feb 23rd Audrey was born and my world spiraled more out of control. I started to drink.....heavily. As incoherently passing out was the only way I found to stop the nightmares. I lied to my family about what had happened (if you count lying not telling them the full story). I lay scared at night, knowing that he was out there, knowing that she was gone. I tried to forget everything that happened but I quickly realized it left me a horrible person to be around. Not only did my excessive drinking lead to horrible emotional breakdowns but they left me alone as my friends had turned their backs. I was down the road by myself. One night.. I drank a little to much and I don't know how (I like to think it was Audrey looking down on me) I ended up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. They say I was close to death, that my gag reflex was gone and if I hadn't sent a graphic text message to a friend and they didn't call 911 that I would have choked on my own vomit and died. I owe that friend my life....but sadly enough that was one of the last times we've talked.
During that next day after I was released from the hospital I was sleeping.. SOBER, and I had a dream. A dream and Audrey was in it. It was of me sleeping on the couch in the same clothes I was wearing hospital bracelet and all, and she was kneeling next to me trying to pry open my eyes like kids do and she kept saying "Why won't you wake up? Why won't you play with me? Sometimes, I wish I had a new mommy because I don't like when you sleep all day because you are up all night". I shot up from my sleep and cried and realized, I was failing my daughter's name. I wasn't dealing with her death. I needed to change my focus and get back to "me".
Franchesca and Thank you Carly Marie. You two have no idea how much you have saved me from myself and who I was before this journey. Thank you so much for being you.

5 comments:

Stephanie said...

Thank you for sharing your story!! I'm sure you are helping someone right now that is reading this and wishes to change their life as well. There is nothing to be ashamed of here, just inspired by.

My Daughter My Angel My Butterfly said...

Thank you Stephanie! I just know how some people might post judgement about the past. Without those trials and tribulations I do not think I would be where I am today. My past is why I have decided to change my major to psychology and go for grief counseling with a focus in child loss and domestic violence. It means the world to me knowing that I can help one person overcome their loss.

Franchesca said...

Oh Dana, after reading your entire story, my heart breaks so much more over your loss. I cannot fathom the guilt you have felt. I wish so much that that loser had stayed far far away from you, and that Audrey was still here with you.

Your dream of little Audrey waking you sent chills over me. What a beautiful turning point God used her to be in your life. Friend, I wish so much that we had 'met' under different, better circumstances, but nonetheless I am honored to call you a friend.

Love you to pieces.

myskytimes said...

Oh my.... chills up and down my spine. Tears in my eyes... so many similarities.

I often wonder whether my son would still be alive if I had had the strength to leave my abusive marriage while I was pregnant. I blamed myself for his death hundred times over. But I couldn't leave - I was just too scared what might happen.

My brain has spaced out some of the things that happened too. My shrink says the memories "might" come back. Or not. I hope they won't as the ones that are present are enough to deal with already...

Wishing Audrey could be there with you. Knowing she'll never be forgotten. Thanks for sharing, brave lady.

Holly said...

I so wish that Audrey was here with you ♥

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