Somewhere Over The Rainbow...

Somewhere over the rainbow... is where Nevaeh is. Heaven just became a little (ok A LOT) more glittery! I read before she fell in love with the move "The Wizard of Oz" (Great choice Nevaeh it is my FAVORITE MOVIE!!) and I couldn't help but to break down thinking of this song in the movie. She had big dreams and a big heart, and of course we all know "Somewhere over the rainbow...the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true"  

Guilt..Grief...Journey

Today is probably the first day in a few that I have been able to stop and take a deep breath and enjoy some peace and quiet. Between birthdays, parties, football games, March of Dimes charity events and school work I haven't had much quality 'Dana Time'.
I read a post in my friends blog today. (Sometimes I feel bad that me catching up with my friends is reading an excerpt from their blog.) And she had TWO posts that hit home, one about guilt and the other about pleasing everyone. Well... I am a huge people pleaser with amazing amounts of guilt at times.
I often blame myself whole heartily about everything that happened to Audrey. I have always been the person to say if you are being mistreated in a relationship WALK AWAY, LEAVE YOUR LIFE ISN'T WORTH IT. But the words I repeat didn't affect me, I didn't leave, and I often think I say your life isn't worth it but yet I let my daughters be taken!!! The answer is... I was scared and threatened. I was fearful for what he could do to me and inevitably it happened. I know that a big piece of me went with Audrey, the amount of grief that I have and guilt consumed me for the bigger part of a year after she left. I am about to open up to you my demons my and my inner struggles. Please remember this is WHO I WAS.. NOT WHO I AM.. and Please do not pass judgement upon me as this is me being vulnerable.
On Feb 21 2009 my ex (Audrey's 'father' and my bf at the time) was dropped off at my house after a night of drinking with the boys. He had been kicked out of many bars and his friends were 'afraid' to bring him to his parents house as they didn't want to cause them trouble. So I mean hey.. why not bring him to his pregnant girl friends place. I was awoken out of sleep by my phone ringing off the hook and then my doorbell buzzing and his lovely friends running away and leaving him at the bottom of the stairs. Yes.. just what I needed, to wake up to my bf being at the bottom of 3 flights of stairs! Well... I don't know how but I managed to get him up the stairs and we made it to my apartment and I got him in my door. A friend was passed out on my couch (don't ask me why I didn't call for help getting him up the stairs). Well... as the drunk came into the apartment he seen someone sleeping on my couch and immediately started calling me names and telling me I was a cheater and that the baby probably wasn't his. He continued to accuse and belittle me and I just didn't want to hear it anymore, so I proceeded to walk into my room at the end of the hallway. As I attempted to walk past him he grabbed me by my arm and pulled me around and towards him. I don't know fully all what happened after that it turns to mush, but I know I was on the ground and then moments later I was pulled up and pushed against the door with a knife to my throat and my friend screaming bloody murder at my ex. I heard banging on the door I was behind and screaming from my neighbors asking me if I was ok and screaming to other to call 911. I don't honestly know what all happened maybe it was the fact that my head got hit and I blacked out or maybe my brain is doing me a favor and repressing those memories.
On Feb 23rd Audrey was born and my world spiraled more out of control. I started to drink.....heavily. As incoherently passing out was the only way I found to stop the nightmares. I lied to my family about what had happened (if you count lying not telling them the full story). I lay scared at night, knowing that he was out there, knowing that she was gone. I tried to forget everything that happened but I quickly realized it left me a horrible person to be around. Not only did my excessive drinking lead to horrible emotional breakdowns but they left me alone as my friends had turned their backs. I was down the road by myself. One night.. I drank a little to much and I don't know how (I like to think it was Audrey looking down on me) I ended up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. They say I was close to death, that my gag reflex was gone and if I hadn't sent a graphic text message to a friend and they didn't call 911 that I would have choked on my own vomit and died. I owe that friend my life....but sadly enough that was one of the last times we've talked.
During that next day after I was released from the hospital I was sleeping.. SOBER, and I had a dream. A dream and Audrey was in it. It was of me sleeping on the couch in the same clothes I was wearing hospital bracelet and all, and she was kneeling next to me trying to pry open my eyes like kids do and she kept saying "Why won't you wake up? Why won't you play with me? Sometimes, I wish I had a new mommy because I don't like when you sleep all day because you are up all night". I shot up from my sleep and cried and realized, I was failing my daughter's name. I wasn't dealing with her death. I needed to change my focus and get back to "me".
Franchesca and Thank you Carly Marie. You two have no idea how much you have saved me from myself and who I was before this journey. Thank you so much for being you.

Happy Birthday in Heaven..

I came on here today with no intentions of writing. I just wanted to read my posts and reflect. THEN I realized one of my most emotional posts wasn't published. I somehow managed to only save it as a draft :(  I think it was fate that brought me to that post....

Well the day I wrote it was Adam's Angelversary, and today.... Today is his Birthday. Today he would've blown out 27 candles (if the cake didn't melt first GOSH WE ARE GETTING OLD)!!!
I remember Adam like I seen him yesterday. I can still hear his laugh I can still see his smile. His Beautiful smile :) I miss so much about his friendship..  Rest in Paradise Adam.... You are forever my friend. Keep Audrey in your arms until I get there. I know you will teach her so much and she's safe with you. We love you! XOXO

Never forgotten friend

Well geez... Frankly, I have NOOO idea where to begin. The past month or so has been sooo hectic that I don't know how I am still standing at times! So I will make a few posts! The month of July I have found has been tough for me. July marks the anniversary of my friend Adam who passed. This year was his 9 year anniversary. My heart is always heavy around this time since it’s hard to know that your friend who was only 17 is gone. The past two years I have not gone to his grave like I normally do every year, the first year well it was right after I lost Audrey and me and cemeteries probably were not the healthiest thing for me and well last year was due to the foot surgery issues. So this year I knew I had to go and I had to make it special. So I brought him his 3 flowers like always and this year I got a rock (it says "beloved friend" on it) for his site and a butterfly!! Well when I got to the cemetery I decided I wanted to write him a letter. So oddly enough I had a notebook and an envelope in my car, so I went to town and started writing! I let my emotions out and apologized for not coming the past two years and told him to keep Audrey safe, and most importantly to teach her to smile. Adam if you knew him, had this smile that was contagious the room would light up whenever he smiled and even if you were in a horrible mood that smile would make your day! Normally I just drive straight to the gravesite of his but this time I found myself not being able to think clearly and my mind frazzled so after all these years I "forgot" where his gravesite was so I had to go inside and ask :( As I walked in and felt like a dork for forgetting this IMPORTANT information on my friend the lady asks me if I need help I tell her I was looking for my friend Adam and she goes oh wow so ironic we were talking about him this morning. I found a sense of astonishment that after 9 years the women of the cemetery are talking about him! That was Adam a lady killer, and not to mention he just left his mark on life. So I finally got my stuff to his grave and immediately tears run down my face. I somehow managed to forget his picture is on his headstone. So I plumped my butt down and read him my letter. I probably got a quarter of the way down the page until my eyes were so teary eyed that I couldn't read past the tears and the sobs coming out of me. Suddenly this wind started to pick up (mind you it was July 6th not much wind was happening since it was a heat spell that was horrible!) and I suddenly was embraced with this wind. For a minute my tears stopped and it felt like I was being hugged. Now I don't know if this was a sign from Miss Audrey or Adam or better yet both but whoever and whatever it was Thank you! I finished my letter and I just sat there, and sat there, and sat there. Of course I talked to Adam like he was sitting in front of me and we were having a cup of coffee. Then I look to the side and I see this woman looking at me like I might be missing out of a mental ward. She was placing balloons on a grave. I looked up and it said Happy 21st Birthday. Couldn't help but to go over there to the woman and give her one of my flowers (there were a lot of fuscia flowers when I got Adam his so I bought a lot extra!) She couldn't believe that I was bringing her daughter a flower and paying my respects to someone I didn't know. We shared stories of my loss of Adam (reason me being there) and the loss of my daughter, and she shared hers. We walked back over to Adams grave and talked, and this dead silence and chill started to roll up my spine. I noticed a slow moving car approaching us.... It was a hearse. The procession stopped and people started to get out of their cars. I noticed it was a lot of younger people and my heart sank. Then... the worst thing happened.... It was a baby casket. All white tiny casket and pink flowers all over the place. I lost it. I fell to the ground and just kept sobbing. Looking back at it I really feel for the woman who was with me. She had ZERO idea what was going on. Most people don't know this... but.... I donated Audrey and my placenta for medical research. (This has been a hard decision that I have wrestled with. But we will cover this in a different post!) So I never had that closer, that funeral, that "final" goodbye. When I sat on the ground that breeze came back and calmed me down and wrapped its arms around me. *thank you angels* Then I noticed butterflies flying around. *thanks again for the sign*. This day was emotional but one of those days that I needed. If that makes ANY sense at all.

Named after Heaven

Its hard to think that a family that I do not know personally has been a major factor in my life lately. I fell upon a care pages from my lovely friend and I read it. It brought me to tears to see the posts that this mother had wrote about her daughter Nevaeh.

This little girl who is as precious as her name. Hard to think that this little girl is battling such a horrible thing. Cancer. Not just any cancer ALL leukemia. I have prayed for this little girl and her family day in and day out. I even made the decision to "adopt" the family for Christmas knowing the circumstances I wanted to provide them with an AMAZING Christmas. Now seeing the updates I know that my dreams and hopes for this family are to far away, and there is not enough time. My heart breaks for them knowing that they are loosing their daughter.

I wish I could find some kind of words to put together to take the pain away. I wish I could give them their daughter I wish I could do SOMETHING besides sit here and wait and PRAY.

I have fallen to my knees in prayer many of times lately this past week. For Nevaeh, for my mother and for myself. At times I start to think that all of this is just one BIG DREAM, but I am quick to realize there's no pain in dreaming and that this is real life. My dreams is where I am happy, where I can be with my daughter again, and where I can have what I want. My life.... not so much.

I find myself often screaming out the famous WHY WHY WHY... I already know that there is a purpose for everything and that nothing goes in vain. But I still don't get it. This is the part of my faith that I struggle with during the grieving process.

Keep Nevaeh and her family in your prayers. They are in need of a miracle of sorts....