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Thursday, February 23, 2012

3 years to long...

3 years have come and gone since I last seen you... The imagine of you still burns in my head, I can see your beautiful face, your eyes, your nose and your little lips. I can still feel my fingers trace your face and your hair. Feeling your soft baby skin against my fingertips and your sweet tiny baby hair. I brushed my thumb up and down your forehead what seems to be in my head days, but the harsh reality was it was to short.

My fear is one day I will wake up and forget those images and I will forget how it felt to touch you. I pray to God everyday to let me keep you alive in my head and keep your name going.

Yesterday was a good day, two beautiful friends of mine sent you balloons to heaven. (By the way I know you seen Nevaeh snatch your purple butterfly balloon!) I hope you loved your balloons, but be sure to share with Jenna and Nevaeh (even though she already snatched the purple one). I know they are keeping you company on your special day up there... you are probably having 'glitter wars' and eating as much 'cotton candy' as you can.....(Thank goodness there's no cavities in heaven).

Know that everyday I keep your name alive and you are still remembered. Until that beautiful day when we are reunited you are forever in my heart, my brain and my soul.

Know that even from Heaven you are changing lives and making strides to help others. Your life did not end in vain. You are loved far much more than you know.

Fly High Baby Girl...Fly High..

*Finding Hope in Grief and Learning to Dance in the Rain...*

Friday, January 20, 2012

And let there be P.A.I.N.

The pain of not knowing
is the worst of all.

Not knowing if she made it
where she can never fall.

This I will never know
in this life after all.

My faith in human kind has been really really bruised and crunched yesterday. I am one of those people who REFUSES to watch the news. I hate it I hate it I hate it! There's always something horrible going on and when I rummage the paper for my coupon and sales ads I have seen a LOT of families loosing their children and personally it aches my heart so I chose not to watch the news.
Well.... Yesterday something told me to sit in front of the TV and turn on Channel 7 (our ABC). I did against my better judgement and SLAP right in the face was a news segment on the county that I gave birth to Audrey in. Not just some old politician with their hand in the cookie jar story... but sickening enough, bodies forgot about in the morgue. (Now to me dead bodies don't scare me, my actual major before I chose Psych was Mortuary Science. Now the process of death and someone dying scares the dickens out of me, hence why I dropped my Nursing major. I have to much compassion and I could never live a life with so many what if's and watch someone die. Now work with someone who's passed on and help a family who is going through a tragedy hurdle over the hardest point in their lives is what I am about. Some people think I'm creepy for it but I say, its the last time you are ever going to see your family member in the flesh besides when we cross to the other side and I want to make sure its memorable and you are content with it. Ok enough of my side note)
Well the morgue SCREWED UP super bad... I mean HORRIFICALLY BAD. They forgot to process bodies, they forgot to send bodies to donation sites. This was said and I quote "Some of the photos show red plastic bags that morgue workers say contain fetuses, piled high on shelves, and some corpses that appear to be surrounded by garbage." Awesome huh? For one if a child is born its not a fetus that pissed me off, and two who the hell let this happen and doesn't have a friggin care to human life like this? Oh yeah COOK COUNTY MORGUE. 
So now I sit and wonder.... 'Was Audrey in one of them red plastic bags they called a fetus?' OR was her body used and in the meaningful way I intended on it to be used for?? 
IF you have the stomach to read the story and watch the video the link is here

My heart hurts... it just throbs right now. I am so numb that I don't know what to feel. I am angry, scared, sad, everything balled up into one.

My amazing friend posted a quote and picture that sums it all up for me in what path I have to go down right now:
                                     For all the times you couldn't... for all the times hope felt lost.

Monday, January 16, 2012

New Year ... Same Ache

My heart aches for her. Normally for me the years start off SO hard. Her birthday and entrance into heaven being in February really hits me hard in the beginning of they year. Then just when the pain seems to 'subside' a bit, BAM here comes mothers day and then her due date (June 19). I feel sometimes like I do NOT get a break from grief. There is always that CONSTANT reminder she's not here. That pain at times is suffocating and crushing.
 Today the pain was hanging her butterfly love Carly Marie Dudley drew for her in her honor. Next to her pictures, I put Jenna Belle's and Nevaeh's pictures she created as well. There is now a constant reminder of the THREE lovely little girls that have given me such a 'new and different' perspective on things and that have changed my life. And behind two of those little girls is two beautiful women who I just adore. I don't consider them friends... they are family... my sisters. Thousands of miles might separate us, but thank the LORD for the Internet I can always 'stalk' them a bit. We share laughs and cries via text and of course our angels. I could not ask for a better support system with my lovely ladies. Not to forget all of you either. Your emails, facebook posts, messages and comments have inspired me and left me absolutely humbled.
This year for Audrey's Angelversary I am asking  BEGGING (I am not to proud to beg) to help me with Audrey's angelversary this year. I have been put in a horrible compromising situation. I am sadly having surgery on the 17th and her bday is the 23rd. So that means.. BEDREST AND STUCK AT HOME ON CRUTCHES for her bday. My heart aches it hurts sooo bad. I am trying to see if people will help me light a candle for her or heck if you want to send a balloon up with a message or just say a little prayer to her. I can not do something like I WANT (my heart desires) to for her. Let me know if anyone has any ideas for her angelversary... it is approaching so rapidly. </3

Thursday, December 22, 2011

She was 'still...born...'

The loss of the Duggar's has left me absolutely .... speechless and heartbroken. Reading the comments that other people have wrote in relation to the Duggar's have left me shocked  SICKENED. Knowing that people have posed such hatred towards a baby brings great pain to my heart. I don't understand why people are so angry, is because the fact that they have faith, they have embraced the loss of a child in a tasteful and poised manner, or it is because they are in the public eye.

Yes, they are 'famous for a reality show.'
Yes, they have 21 blessed children (19 on Earth 2 in Heaven)

But do any of these things make them less of people? They have NEVER showed themselves anything but tasteful and religious. They have NEVER been shown in the spotlight doing drugs, partying all night, hurting their children or anything degrading to life in their show like other stars have been shown doing (i.e. Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan or the countless celebs that we MAKE famous).

The Duggar's have raised their children with the faith of God, morals and respect. So what if they have 21 children. I know some people who have 2 child and shouldn't even have that!

I have seen some hateful comments stating that, its God's will to take the child, that she's to old, she has enough kids, she should focus on the kids she has being in the NICU with her previous child took to much time away from the rest of them.
Well... where to begin... The Duggar's do not receive financial aid from ANY OF US or the government, why should we have a say so in what they do with their money, if you are saying it is God's will to take the child please read this article HERE. Yes she is 45 and age does increase possibility of complications but remember it was 'God's Will' that got her pregnant. And for her being in the NICU taking away from her other children..... So you are telling me that if one of your children was sick with lets say....CANCER ... that you would leave your child in the hospital and neglect them to make sure your other children are taken care of? Hmmmm funny how things change when they are shined in a different way.

The Duggar's can teach us a lot. They can teach us how to raise our children with dignity and respect for life. They also show us, that it is OK to grieve that it is OK for us to remember our children that are not here with us. Child/Infant loss, miscarriage and stillbirths are such a taboo subject and I am glad that the Duggar's have come forward to shine the light on this sensitive subject. I know that this mother of an angel sure does appreciate it.

I myself, do not have pictures of my daughter, Audrey Cristine. BUT I sure wish I did. The services that Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) does, is beautiful. They help preserve the memories that us as PARENTS want to have of our CHILD. It is hard enough that we have to plan their funeral the same time as their birth and that our heads are not thinking clearly and for a non-profit to come in and help during one of the most emotional times of our lives, is a blessing. It was hurting to see such a blessing of a non profit attacked by many of people bashing NILMDTS. I sure wish and long for the fact that NILMDTS was in place in the hospital where I had my sweet Audrey, as it would have been AMAZING to have pictures of her so I could put her face on paper and show everyone how proud of her I am and not just have her face and perfect toes, hands and body etched in my mind.

Thank you Duggar's for coming out and showing us your Jubilee Shalom and breaking out of the box and exposing pregnancy loss. No one wants to bury their child regardless if they are 19 weeks or 25 years old. It is not the way things are supposed to be. We are supposed to watch our children grow and become parents themselves and enjoy every minute of it! But sometimes that is not the case and THANK YOU DUGGAR'S FOR SHOWING THAT.

" eyes are dim with grief.
   I call to you, O LOrd, every day;
    I spread out my hands to you"
           Psalm 88:9

Jubilee Shalom Duggar Video

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Conflicting pain

*sigh* I don't know if I am being selfish in my own grief or just protecting myself from unnecessary breakdowns right now but I feel like....Crap! My best friends daughter is in the NICU. She has been since she was born which was August 17. She has struggled physically and her digestive tract just isn't working (keep her in your prayers). Well..... I have been putting off seeing her. My pain in my heart has kept me away. How do I walk into the same hospital that Audrey was in, the one she died in. How do I walk in knowing she's not 'there?' How do I walk in knowing that her daughter was the SAME age as Audrey and she is that little bed...fighting... And living... But my Audrey is in heaven? Now don't get me wrong I would NEVER EVER want ANYONE to go through this pain but my heart can't help but to ache. Am I alone? Am I being selfish? Am I hurting my friend? Does she understand? Am I a bad person?

Monday, December 19, 2011

Christmas Heartache..

I can't help but to have a heavy heart going into this holiday season. My heart aches for Audrey so much right now, not that it doesn't every other day BUT holidays are EXTREMELY painful. This time three years ago I was finally announcing to my family that I was pregnant! It was filled with joyous times and rubbing of my belly and getting all those "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments and teddy bears. I was in awe of everything... it was just a magical time I guess you could say.

Now I am left with the painful reminders. Kids seeing Santa, my friends parading around their kids in the ADORABLE Christmas dresses, those cute christmas photography sessions, and the gift buying... *sigh* I was shopping the other day and I seen the most beautiful pink Christmas dress that was 'sooo Audrey.' I longed to see her in the dress and call my friend (an amazing photographer) and have her take some adorable pictures with Audrey and I next to the Christmas tree AND of course playing in the snow. Right now she should be almost 3, a beautiful age where she will be getting her own personality and developing into her own little woman. How I long to know what she would be like. Would she be like me? Would she develop my freckles? These things I desire to know and won't find out until heaven, which can not come soon enough!

My heart just aches for her and I feel like I can not communicate with Keith (my bf) regarding Audrey and my pain. I mean he doesn't know what it is like for me to have lost her. He doesn't know how loosing a child feels, Audrey wasn't his. I feel like he just isn't emotionally connected with me in that way. He knows that I hurt and he knows that my pain runs deep. His is VERY supportive of my feelings  and he is always comforting to me regarding them, like sends me flowers on Audrey's Birthday, always makes sure I am ok.

This Christmas season I find myself crying more than normal and I find myself not wanting to get out of bed kind of hurt. Keith asks me if I am 'OK' and I can not help but to lie and say yes... when in reality I am one Snuggie (or Forever Lazy and that one makes me laugh) commercial away from balling my eyes out. Am I normal? Is anyone else having such a hard time this year? This is my 3rd Christmas without her and people say.. .ohhhh well it gets easier with time.. sorry but I say BULLCRAP! MY heart will never heal and things will NEVER get easier, how can knowing that your child is in heaven be 'easy?' IF ONE MORE PERSON TELLS ME THAT OR... YOU ARE READY NOW TO HAVE KIDS AGAIN I WILL KARATE CHOP THEM IN THE THROAT!

Which brings up another valuable question to my BLM's when is a good time to try again? Obviously it won't be for a while for me... but seriously, when did you guys feel it was 'time' or did God take control? I am just fearful of the whole, trying and being let down problem. I am fearful that I was left infertile with Audrey. Ideas? Comments?

I wish she could just be here with me. I wish I didn't have to pray to her every night instead of me tucking her in at night.

You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you, wherever you are.
--- Nancy Tillman

Monday, November 14, 2011

Nevaeh's Hope Exchange

In Nevaeh’s memory my awesome friend Franchesca and I decided to name this whole Christmas card/ ornament exchange after her! :) It’s all about spreading love and hope around this bereaved community. Holidays, as so many have said are just plain hard.
If you’d like to participate in the card exchange please read over a few things below first…
- the sign up will be open until November 18th
- please mail cards no later than December 5
- this is open worldwide
- in addition to your exchange partner you can also choose to send the Ramirez family a Christmas card this year too. This is totally optional and they have no idea I’m doing this! :) That is, until Amy (her mama) reads this part! ;)
- you can send a Christmas card or a Christmas card AND an ornament, and you will be paired with someone who is sending the same
- ornament ideas here and here. Christmas cards specific to child loss available here.

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