Free Blog Templates at Small Bird Studio

Monday, November 14, 2011

Nevaeh's Hope Exchange

In Nevaeh’s memory my awesome friend Franchesca and I decided to name this whole Christmas card/ ornament exchange after her! :) It’s all about spreading love and hope around this bereaved community. Holidays, as so many have said are just plain hard.
If you’d like to participate in the card exchange please read over a few things below first…
- the sign up will be open until November 18th
- please mail cards no later than December 5
- this is open worldwide
- in addition to your exchange partner you can also choose to send the Ramirez family a Christmas card this year too. This is totally optional and they have no idea I’m doing this! :) That is, until Amy (her mama) reads this part! ;)
- you can send a Christmas card or a Christmas card AND an ornament, and you will be paired with someone who is sending the same
- ornament ideas here and here. Christmas cards specific to child loss available here.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Signs... of comfort.

Right after I lost Audrey we all know from previous blogs I was a disaster and a huge mess. I longed to know if she was safe, and mostly my heart knowing I missed her so much and I feared she missed me too. The thought of me knowing that there was the possibility of her missing me as much as me missing her made my heart well... crush.

I searched high and low for signs I looked above fell to my knees many times screaming for signs she was OK! I never received anything, this hindered me severely. As I have found 'myself' and my faith again over the past 2 years signs have just literally fell into my lap. They aren't all of Audrey, they are sometimes of other angel mommies and I don't even know them!

We had a severe case of child neglect and when it came out into the news they only released the child's name (no picture). I went to bed that night and had the craziest dream. It was of Audrey she was in a field with high grass and full of butterflies and dragon flies. She had a lot of children with her... some were chasing butterflies some were playing hide and go seek and some were um.. eating dirt ( I guess kids are still kids in heaven huh?). It was peaceful watching her play watching her have fun with all these other kids and then they all stopped, this boy was in the corner, and he had a huge smile, with sandy blonde hair, and this blue and black shirt on. They all looked and ran to this boy, you could tell he was scared and that he was nervous to go to the other children but they all grabbed his hand and they all decided then to play red rover. It was like they were welcoming this boy to their community.

When I woke the next morning and told my boyfriend of the amazing dream I had. He's used to me blabbing about some kind of sign I think I am getting but I described the kid in such vivid detail to him. Well..... the day went on and night had come. The boyfriend and I had sat down after dinner to watch the news and some TV. While watching the news, the story of the boy had come on, and they showed a picture of him. My jaw dropped and hair stood up on every inch of my body. IT.WAS.HIM. The boy... the boy in my dreams. My heart stopped my boyfriend looked at me and I just lost it. I knew it was a sign from her telling me not to worry about the boy.

Now fast forward to now.... I see her love all over, from butterflies, to dragon flies, hot pink all over, and 'our songs'. Now these might be normal signs but she knows when I need her love. I had the pleasure of showing a friend recently my crazy pictures I take of the sunset, the sky (she speaks to me A LOT) in clouds. She actually sent me a heart when I was in the plane down to Texas <3 .

One sign that sticks out in my head was while I was down in Texas with my dear friend, Fran we were at the park and there went a butterfly. I commented on hey look at the butterfly and her son looked at us and said "butterfly". Now that sends chills up and down my spine... Now you can ask Fran that we had so many more signs but that was just one that stuck out in my head.

Does anyone else have signs like this?

Back at 1....

Reality... has finally hit. On my way home from Texas I have realized...I am not going to go on Nevaeh's care page and see anymore updates about her in pain or about the great day she was having. 

I had a great time (considering the circumstances) in Texas. We spoke of Audrey, Jenna Belle, and Nevaeh often. It was nice having someone to be with during the day and nice to have someone who has been 'down this sad road of infant loss' by my side. Now its back to reality where I almost feel alone in my own thoughts. Like I am not 'understood'. It is lonely being here during the day with just me myself and my thoughts. 

This year ending has snuck up on me. I find holiday's are the hardest, its the time when we announced my pregnancy and it was a time of joy. Now I find that its a lonely time, full of others peoples firsts, their child's first Christmas, the first Christmas as a couple....etc...etc...etc.

I thank God for the support from the Baby Loss Community and my friends. Without them, I would be sooo lost beyond words. I praise God for giving me the strength everyday for letting me carry on and continue the good in 'her name'. 

Copyright ©2011 Small Bird Studios| All Rights Reserved |Free Blog Templates at Small Bird Studios