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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Never forgotten friend

Well geez... Frankly, I have NOOO idea where to begin. The past month or so has been sooo hectic that I don't know how I am still standing at times! So I will make a few posts! The month of July I have found has been tough for me. July marks the anniversary of my friend Adam who passed. This year was his 9 year anniversary. My heart is always heavy around this time since it’s hard to know that your friend who was only 17 is gone. The past two years I have not gone to his grave like I normally do every year, the first year well it was right after I lost Audrey and me and cemeteries probably were not the healthiest thing for me and well last year was due to the foot surgery issues. So this year I knew I had to go and I had to make it special. So I brought him his 3 flowers like always and this year I got a rock (it says "beloved friend" on it) for his site and a butterfly!! Well when I got to the cemetery I decided I wanted to write him a letter. So oddly enough I had a notebook and an envelope in my car, so I went to town and started writing! I let my emotions out and apologized for not coming the past two years and told him to keep Audrey safe, and most importantly to teach her to smile. Adam if you knew him, had this smile that was contagious the room would light up whenever he smiled and even if you were in a horrible mood that smile would make your day! Normally I just drive straight to the gravesite of his but this time I found myself not being able to think clearly and my mind frazzled so after all these years I "forgot" where his gravesite was so I had to go inside and ask :( As I walked in and felt like a dork for forgetting this IMPORTANT information on my friend the lady asks me if I need help I tell her I was looking for my friend Adam and she goes oh wow so ironic we were talking about him this morning. I found a sense of astonishment that after 9 years the women of the cemetery are talking about him! That was Adam a lady killer, and not to mention he just left his mark on life. So I finally got my stuff to his grave and immediately tears run down my face. I somehow managed to forget his picture is on his headstone. So I plumped my butt down and read him my letter. I probably got a quarter of the way down the page until my eyes were so teary eyed that I couldn't read past the tears and the sobs coming out of me. Suddenly this wind started to pick up (mind you it was July 6th not much wind was happening since it was a heat spell that was horrible!) and I suddenly was embraced with this wind. For a minute my tears stopped and it felt like I was being hugged. Now I don't know if this was a sign from Miss Audrey or Adam or better yet both but whoever and whatever it was Thank you! I finished my letter and I just sat there, and sat there, and sat there. Of course I talked to Adam like he was sitting in front of me and we were having a cup of coffee. Then I look to the side and I see this woman looking at me like I might be missing out of a mental ward. She was placing balloons on a grave. I looked up and it said Happy 21st Birthday. Couldn't help but to go over there to the woman and give her one of my flowers (there were a lot of fuscia flowers when I got Adam his so I bought a lot extra!) She couldn't believe that I was bringing her daughter a flower and paying my respects to someone I didn't know. We shared stories of my loss of Adam (reason me being there) and the loss of my daughter, and she shared hers. We walked back over to Adams grave and talked, and this dead silence and chill started to roll up my spine. I noticed a slow moving car approaching us.... It was a hearse. The procession stopped and people started to get out of their cars. I noticed it was a lot of younger people and my heart sank. Then... the worst thing happened.... It was a baby casket. All white tiny casket and pink flowers all over the place. I lost it. I fell to the ground and just kept sobbing. Looking back at it I really feel for the woman who was with me. She had ZERO idea what was going on. Most people don't know this... but.... I donated Audrey and my placenta for medical research. (This has been a hard decision that I have wrestled with. But we will cover this in a different post!) So I never had that closer, that funeral, that "final" goodbye. When I sat on the ground that breeze came back and calmed me down and wrapped its arms around me. *thank you angels* Then I noticed butterflies flying around. *thanks again for the sign*. This day was emotional but one of those days that I needed. If that makes ANY sense at all.


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