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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Conflicting pain

*sigh* I don't know if I am being selfish in my own grief or just protecting myself from unnecessary breakdowns right now but I feel like....Crap! My best friends daughter is in the NICU. She has been since she was born which was August 17. She has struggled physically and her digestive tract just isn't working (keep her in your prayers). Well..... I have been putting off seeing her. My pain in my heart has kept me away. How do I walk into the same hospital that Audrey was in, the one she died in. How do I walk in knowing she's not 'there?' How do I walk in knowing that her daughter was the SAME age as Audrey and she is that little bed...fighting... And living... But my Audrey is in heaven? Now don't get me wrong I would NEVER EVER want ANYONE to go through this pain but my heart can't help but to ache. Am I alone? Am I being selfish? Am I hurting my friend? Does she understand? Am I a bad person?


Holly said...

I think what you are feeling is normal. I think the best thing you can do is talk to your friend about how you are feeling and why you haven't visited. If she's a true friend she'll understand. Also let her know they have both been in your thoughts and your prayers. You may not be able to go see her because it hurts but you can ask her often how she is doing. I'm sure you friend is hurting too and could use a listening ear. You can both be each other's sounding board.

Dana Kristine said...

Thanks Holly. I talk to her but I just can't bring myself to talk about 'me'. It just feels selfish... I confided in another close friend of ours and we have decided to go together. I just can't go through it alone. I know I should be strong for her and be there and my friend knows I'm here, she's made comments to me about someone knowing her pain and I get it. I hate that she's hurting and that her daughter just isn't getting better. I can't fathom her pain right now. I just feel guilty.

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