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Monday, December 19, 2011

Christmas Heartache..

I can't help but to have a heavy heart going into this holiday season. My heart aches for Audrey so much right now, not that it doesn't every other day BUT holidays are EXTREMELY painful. This time three years ago I was finally announcing to my family that I was pregnant! It was filled with joyous times and rubbing of my belly and getting all those "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments and teddy bears. I was in awe of everything... it was just a magical time I guess you could say.

Now I am left with the painful reminders. Kids seeing Santa, my friends parading around their kids in the ADORABLE Christmas dresses, those cute christmas photography sessions, and the gift buying... *sigh* I was shopping the other day and I seen the most beautiful pink Christmas dress that was 'sooo Audrey.' I longed to see her in the dress and call my friend (an amazing photographer) and have her take some adorable pictures with Audrey and I next to the Christmas tree AND of course playing in the snow. Right now she should be almost 3, a beautiful age where she will be getting her own personality and developing into her own little woman. How I long to know what she would be like. Would she be like me? Would she develop my freckles? These things I desire to know and won't find out until heaven, which can not come soon enough!

My heart just aches for her and I feel like I can not communicate with Keith (my bf) regarding Audrey and my pain. I mean he doesn't know what it is like for me to have lost her. He doesn't know how loosing a child feels, Audrey wasn't his. I feel like he just isn't emotionally connected with me in that way. He knows that I hurt and he knows that my pain runs deep. His is VERY supportive of my feelings  and he is always comforting to me regarding them, like sends me flowers on Audrey's Birthday, always makes sure I am ok.

This Christmas season I find myself crying more than normal and I find myself not wanting to get out of bed kind of hurt. Keith asks me if I am 'OK' and I can not help but to lie and say yes... when in reality I am one Snuggie (or Forever Lazy and that one makes me laugh) commercial away from balling my eyes out. Am I normal? Is anyone else having such a hard time this year? This is my 3rd Christmas without her and people say.. .ohhhh well it gets easier with time.. sorry but I say BULLCRAP! MY heart will never heal and things will NEVER get easier, how can knowing that your child is in heaven be 'easy?' IF ONE MORE PERSON TELLS ME THAT OR... YOU ARE READY NOW TO HAVE KIDS AGAIN I WILL KARATE CHOP THEM IN THE THROAT!

Which brings up another valuable question to my BLM's when is a good time to try again? Obviously it won't be for a while for me... but seriously, when did you guys feel it was 'time' or did God take control? I am just fearful of the whole, trying and being let down problem. I am fearful that I was left infertile with Audrey. Ideas? Comments?

I wish she could just be here with me. I wish I didn't have to pray to her every night instead of me tucking her in at night.

You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you, wherever you are.
--- Nancy Tillman


Holly said...

I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. Holidays can def be tough. This is my 3rd Christmas without Carleigh and while so far it has been good I'm not naive enough to think it will stay that way. You just never know when your emotions will take a nosedive and tailspin out of control. Nothing about losing a child is ever easy. You just learn how to live life the best you can without them (which sucks). Sending lots of love to you this Christmas

Holly said...

And totally forgot to answer your BLM question! It is hard to say when a good time is b/c it's diff for everyone. I know when some people waited a while to try again we started trying again 6 wks after Carleigh was born. It is what was right for us. We had discussed it before Carleigh's birth. But it took us 9 months to conceive, which was frustrating at times when it had been easier before. Some BLMs wait years to conceive again. Some don't have a choice because of infertility. I ultimately ended up leaving it in God's hands and then found out I was pregnant. I wish it could be that easy for everyone.

I understand the fear of being let down or having to lose another baby. It is a very real fear for all of us BLMs. But we all take a leap of faith and have hope that it will work out. It can be a scary ride that's for sure! I was anxious and worried during Lainey's pregnancy and thank goodness I found Dr. G and got good care. He is such a compassionate man. Love him! I think finding caregivers who understand and are willing to walk with you is important. Dr. G understood my fears and was ok with extra monitoring for my own peace of mind. And I even went into the office once when I hadn't felt her move for about 5 hours and it was supposed to be her active time.

I am hoping that you don't have to deal with infertility. xo

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